Joke should to be funny

THERE are classic food jokes, invariably set in a restaurant.

The opening scene has a famished man sipping his piping hot soup, and an overworked waiter. The dialogue goes this way:

Customer: Hey, waiter!

Waiter: Yes, sir?

Customer: What’s this in my chicken noodle soup?

Waiter: Chicken, sir.

Customer: I mean this black Unidentified Flying Object with feet, floating in my soup. I think it’s a fly.

Wait: Oh, so sorry, sir. We ran out of ants.

And there’s this sick joke about siopao (pork buns) being stuffed with cubed cat or rat meat because they’re cheaper cuts and can be passed off as chicken or pork.

You become more careful from that moment onward and try to examine it first,instead, before eating “suspicious” food.

Corny to some, funny to many, and it’s only a joke, right? But it can really happen it then.

You dread what’s in your pork buns-chicken, pork or a combination of cat-rat meat? No wonder your stomach feels as if something is running inside after finishing a bun bought from a sidewalk vendor.

Another one: A lady in the restaurant.
To her horror, she saw black objects stuck at the bottom of her mug. She bought espresso and wondered why there were coffee beans in her mug.

It turned out to be droppings left by a rat. She fell ill from drinking of that special brew. It was a good thing the restaurant footed her bill and something was done about the rat mishap.

These isolated cases do have a good side: they make restaurants sharpen their sanitation(good for them..).

All starts well that ends well, except that the bug that hit her was an amoeba. She now has a stomach pet for life, just like me.A quotation says: “Your stomach has become a reliable “barometer” for food cleanliness”.

A few years ago, back in my grade school years, this was during my patid-patid sa lata days or when I had no fare for my way back home I used to play an empty can just to keep myself busy all the way home (joke!). I took lunched at a sidewalk carinderia,along with my classmates. Suddenly the owner of the store offer us a buns, she said that it would be good for our merienda. I wanted to buy also coz almost all of my companion brought the said siopao(buns), but as i remembered the joke of my father about the chicken buns that wrapped and flavored with rat-cat meat with eggs, I decided to buy bread instead.

There were even times I also had my close encounter with alien objects in my food on my plate. I’ve had fly in my plate-and whatsoever, the variety has been interesting.

Cockroach limbs, ant heads or feet, wings of an insect I still can’t identify and the classic fly-in-my-soup.

I was in my friend’s house for a dinner, she invited me for a so called “get-together party”, I’ve eaten the best fresh salad, consuming my whole plate like a good innocent human creature on earth, only to discover a half-eaten green worm, curled like the letter C (Eww! Luckily I spit it out).

It looked so vulnerable. And my friend told me. “How can your body stand if you eaten the worm?” she asked.

Eating odd non-food has made me paranoid or hopefully, a philosopher (in my dreams…).

A lettuce worm is vegetarian and so, the contents of its intestine can be considered clean. Its last meal, after all, was my first course.

Being an animal, it’s a source of protein. Not bad. Protein stuffs my muscles and so I breathe deeply. I am safe-unless the lettuce plants were sprayed with insecticides, in which case, I’m dead.

But then worms can’t survive harsh environments, thus I relax again. I remember my Unlce Joe telling me that in Butuan, his friend, who is a Manobo, taught him how to eat abatod or larvae of a certain bug that thrives in coconut trees (a bigger version a worm I almost eat).

“They fry it in its own fat. There’s nothing to it, Uncle said. “It tastes like young coconuts.”

I still have wanted to have my first abatod (only if I can handle the pressure eating it..); I don’t have an idea and how can I remember the taste of green worms (if I only tasted it); and I swear, fly in my food has made me forget many other unpalatable experiences in life.

Bisayang Tagalog with Taglish! (This is a saksakan ng sinagol)

SANG araw habang ako ay naglilibang sa bahay ay nahuhuna ko it’s been awhile na diay. Medyo matagal tagal na na hindi ako nag gimik. Parang ang huli kong labas was when I went to the this videoke with my cousin. Oo nga isip ko. Medyo dugay na. Kaya sinabi ko sa aking sarili na dapat siguro maglibang libang din ako sa labas. Pero ang problema ko ay asan ako pupunta. I did not want to meet up with that bully of a guy, katong nagmaneho ug sakyanan, remember? And the other powent was I wanted to be with my cousin also. Ang gibuhat nako was tinawagan ko yung san-pits ko:

Ako: San Pits, this me, your cousin, remember?
San Pits: Alangan, kinsay bay makalimot sa iyo. What can I did for you?
Ako
: Mingaw man ko uy. Gawas ta beh, it’s been dugay already since we met.
San Pits: Lagi bitaw, Later, asa man ta. (unya, asa man ta bah!)
Ako: Ambot lagi. Asan man ta go? Mahadlok man kung matagpuan nato tong dakong mama.
San Pits: Ha? Daku diay imong Mama?
Ako: No, No I meant katong dakung one hell of a man!
San Pits: Ah kato! Yes I hinumdum him. Pero asan man ta adto?
Ako: I have no earth talaga.
San Pits: I see, sige ganito na lang, mag met na lang tayo tapos tan awun nato!
Ako: Unsay tan awon nato?
San Pits: Sus intawon masyadong namang mababa and low IQ mo, insan.
Ako: Sorry, daghan man me problems kasi right now, golly!
San Pits: Then all the more mag kita ta! Adto na lang diri my house in the middle of the street, our house, in the middle of the street.
Ako: Ha?
San Pits: Wala, I suggest adto na lang diri.
Ako: Sige.

Paghuman nakung tawag sa iyaha I went to the kubeta to take my bath. Pirteng inita man it was so I felt so hot talaga, wow man! Gee, it really was, iring gi apas.

Now na-a koy habit pag ako ay naliligo. Kumakanta ako ng daghang songs. And one of my favorites is “Like a Virgin.” So gi abre naku ang poset, (bisaya lagi!) and I was shocked beyond my bisaya tang, tongue pala. Walay tubig, no water, walang tubig!

And here I was in the opening lines, “I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through…” Unya walay tubig? Are we in Manela? Are we in Loosoon? Maayo na lang na wala pa ko nag soap kasi kung soap ako sobra pa sa virgin ang nawong nako.

I waited and cursed the lack of water because dagan na ko ug singot falling like flies, it was so kadiri! But I guess I was heard kay taod taod in a while naa nay tubig. Unya kusog pa kayo the rush of water, oh my! So gipuno nako ang aking pail, sosyal! Unya nag wisik wiskik ko gamay sa akong ilok( Ewwwww!) and finally nag bu-bu ko and sabay syagit ug: like a birgen, tatst por da beri perst time. Hay nag syagit intawon ko uy! One more time, you’re so pine and you’re mine, I’ll be yours till the end of……

Untya nakuratan ko, kasi out of nowhere may sumigaw! “Hoy kanang naga kanta diha! Hastang yabaga nimo, samok! I almost fell to my lapa lapa. And my tuhod were trembling so badly kay nahadlok lagi ko.I wanted to shout back but I felt na ayaw na lang kay basig mag away lang mi because of a virgin? Not worth it noh! So I did the next best thing. I changed songs.

“I’m lying alone with my head on the phone, thinking of you till it hurts/ I know you hurt too but what else can we do, tormented and torn apart, I’ am all out of…. Then na -ay nibundak sa kasilyas of mine. “Hoy kanang birhen na air supply samok, yabag ka ra. Ayaw na ug kanta or else makatikim ka talaga ng kumo nako. I was so surprised at the violence of it all. I was kurogated, nangurog ko. And this time, I stopped singing na. Nahadlok na ko. I decided to recite a poem: Twinkle twinkle little bitu-on, how I wonder unsa ka. Up above the kalibutan so high, like a dyamon in the kalangitan! Then suddenly the voice that was shouting at me, suddenly I heard it say:

“I’m a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout…” And so I replied, “my toes, my knees, my shoulder my head….” And not to be outdone ni kanta sya ug balik, ” ba ba black sheep have you any wool….” After that I got scared, nakuyawan ko kay basig boang ning silingan nako, you never know, you know. So I stopped singing loudly, I just whispered, “I’m all out of love, I’m so lost without you…”

And then I heard the voice say, “naminaw kooooo!”

With that I stepped out of the toilet and nagpunas ako. Nag ilis ko, butang perfume ug lotion, and nag pa pogi. I was ready to go out with my cousin.

Hay…nallingaaw pud siguro kayo basa sa aking maiklling kwento…mao ra ‘to..that’s ol..

repost by the Author